This year, he gave me another original creation:
'How the Legal System Stole Christmas'
by H. Dahmm
Although he lived in a region where temperatures never reached above freezing, Santa had never felt this cold in all his life. He waddled wearily around the small enclosure, surveying its modest furniture. Against the far wall sat an industrial steel bedframe, which held a deplorably thin mattress that could never support his weight. In the opposite corner, there was a metallic toilet, which was caked in rust. Outside the room’s one window, snow was falling. Between the snow and Santa, though, stood a series of vertical, iron bars.
As inconceivable as it seemed, The United States government had placed Santa on their “naughty” list and had locked him in a penitentiary accordingly. The evening had begun as all Christmas eve nights had begun before. Along with a warm hug, Mrs. Claus had given Santa a thermos of hot cocoa and a laxative (all of the cookies had to go somewhere) and then sent him on his way. Following a salute to his faithful elves, Santa boarded a super jet laden with toys.
Although much of the general public was under the impression that Santa preferred to travel by Reindeer, he had found this mode of transportation to be rather problematic. After Rudolf had experienced an unfortunate run-in with an electric cable, Santa had made the executive decision to transition over to a more conventional form of flight. The plane was secured by armored walls and some twenty chubby elves armed with high powered rifles, which they could barely lift, let alone fire. These safety measures seemed absurd, but the aircraft’s cargo was enough to fill 58 Wal-Marts.
When the jet reached the eastern coast of the United States, Santa and his elves, one by one, began to parachute from the rear of the plane. With packaged gifts in their arms, they gradually descended through the cloudy night, landing on the roofs of nearby houses. The impact with asphalt shingles was unpleasant, and muttered curses of “wrap it!” and “oh gingerbread!” filled the air. Once at their assigned destinations, Santa and his elves tossed some presents under the Christmas tree, took the liberty of “examining” the refrigerator, and made a pit stop by the bathroom. Additionally, Santa snapped a few photographs at every house he visited. These images were intended for his decidedly disturbing blog, titled “I See You When You’re Sleeping”.
As soon as this work was done, Santa and his elves climbed their respective chimneys and loaded onto the hovering jet by launching candy cane grappling hooks that connected with the underbelly of the airplane. Once they had all returned to the ship, the elves, and especially Santa, celebrated a successful round of deliveries with a healthy serving of spiked eggnog.
This process was then repeated hundreds of thousands of times across the country. By the time the team reached California, mistakes began to arise. Due to exhaustion, Santa would on occasion give a young boy a doll house or a ten year old a collection of Spot books, but this night he had made an error of unprecedented magnitude…
What was Santa’s big mistake? What has NORAD really been up to all these years? Is Santa a jolly fat man or a predator?
Find the answers in the next edition of
I can't wait for Chapter 2!